What being a mother has taught me

I had always wanted to have a baby some day but I didn't think that it would happen all so suddenly. The journey to motherhood has been completely surreal to me. 

When I found out I had missed my periods, I took several home based tests just to confirm. I also had to confirm with the doctor if indeed I was pregnant even after all those tests showed me two fat lines.

"Yes, you're pregnant." He said, scanning my shocked face. 

"Is it not something you wanted? There are so many people yearning to have children but can't have them." He continued with his unsolicited advice. 

He was right but that didn't stop me from feeling overwhelmed with different emotions. I was happy, scared and nervous all at a go.

"I have always wanted to have a baby all my life. I just don't think I'm ready right now. I'm not married, I don't have enough money and I'm not psychologically prepared to be a mother." I wanted to tell the doctor but quickly realized that we were not in a therapy session. 

He probably had more patients waiting and so I just walked away without uttering a word.

I hardly slept enough that night, the previous nights and the following nights thinking about what I had gotten myself in to. I mean, only a reckless woman would get herself pregnant without a proper plan. I had always been meticulous about monitoring my periods. In fact, I have this app called 'Flo'. It tracks when I'm ovulating and when I'm likely to have my period. It is 89% accurate as my cycle is regular. 

As much as I felt the circumstances were not right to have this baby, I was glad that he was slowly growing in my belly. With time, I came to terms with it and continued with my life. However, Corona came and that's a story for another day.

As I said, this whole experience was surreal for me. I didn't completely believe that I was pregnant even when I could feel the baby wiggle and turn in my big belly. When I was around 36 weeks, I had become extremely fatigued and I thought that, well, I had caught the Rona or my blood sugar was low. I didn't completely believe it even when I went into labor and the doctors delivered my beautiful baby boy.

I remember the doctors whisking me out of the theater without my baby and I had to demand that they give him to me or else they'd switch him up.

"That doesn't happen here." One doctor mentioned but I didn't believe him.

I mean, there is always a first for everything.

They gently placed my angel in my arms and he was sleeping soundly, looking fragile like a beautiful rose. I blessed him, still not believe that he was mine. I don't know when I will ever completely believe that I'm a mother but here's what I have learnt 5 months down the line.

1. Unconditional love.

I never knew what it means to love someone without placing conditions. The phrase, 'I love you to the moon and back.' now makes complete sense to me. I didn't know my heart was big enough to accommodate that kind of deep love. A love that withstands being shitted on, literally, sleepless nights and having no time for yourself except when you're showering.

2. Staying vulnerable. 

As a first time mum, I have had to grow a third eye and a third ear. They are always awake watching and listening over my baby so that he is always safe and happy. I have had to stay vulnerable because my baby is my heart. The whole world would stop for me if anything was to happen to him.

3. Working with one hand.

Sometimes I may be busy cooking or tidying up in the kitchen and the baby becomes fussy. I don't like listening to him cry or whine. So I have to hold my 8kgs heart in one arm and work with the other hand. This is the closest I have been to lifting weights. I don't think I will need the gym for some time.

4. Self care.

Motherhood has taught me that self care is very neccessary. If I'm not in my best shape, how will I be able to take care of someone who solely relies on me? I have to take some time to rest, unwind and take that long needed shower. The dishes can sit in the sink for some time but I have to be at a peace so that my son grows into a happy man.

5. How magical God's creation is.

Its unfathomable how two microscopic cells can combine and form a living human being. It's also amazing how the living human being can fit so snugly in the female body and then pass through a small opening after just 9 months. I'm also still amazed by how my baby has been surviving and growing tremendously from just my breastmilk. Milk that I didn't have before. I still can't understand it all but I don't need to. I just wonder at how majestic God is.

I'm constantly learning, consistently readjusting myself and sacrificing everything for my son. I want the best for him, more than I ever had. I want him to grow into a happy, kind and gentle soul.